TRAP

A trap you didn’t set,

A trap I walked into myself.

Who else have I to blame,

But my own imagination.

For I created you myself,

And fell in love with my creation.

I so desired it to be true,

That I tried to involve real you.

But in different realms,

Do real and imaginary thrive.

How silly of me,

To have thought it otherwise.

 

Confrontation Phobia

Confrontation, everyone has a different way of dealing with it. My way? Avoid it at all costs. There is honestly nothing that stresses me out more than confrontation. I am the type of person that would rather take a whole load of nonsense from someone than actually confront them about it. Some people call me weak, some call me patient but the reality is, I physically cannot confront people, I CAN’T DO IT! My palms get sweaty, my heart races like mad and speech almost becomes foreign to me. The minute I sense confrontation coming, I freeze.

It is not a pleasant feeling so I suppose it makes sense that I try to avoid it, but my fear has landed me into so much trouble! I struggle to fight for my rights and let people walk all over me because even though that is not fun, to me, it is better than confrontation. This might sound bizarre to you, it sure does to me! How has this way of life made sense to me for so long? I honestly do not understand. I have been taken advantage of to extreme lengths and frankly, I think I have had enough.

I do not want to fear confrontation anymore. It is not easy when this is all I have known for so long. I have decided to start a new ‘fearless’ journey, so far I have had two confrontations; one over text and one where I was barely making eye contact, but it is progress! I hope one day to get to the point where I can immediately detect when someone is taking advantage of me and know how to get out of it. Wish me luck! 🙂

How do you deal with confrontation? Do you have a friend that thinks like me? Do you have any tips for me on my new journey? I would love to hear from you! Xx

 

Inspiration

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What is more amazing than being inspired? When your soul feels like it will explode at any moment, adrenaline courses through every part of you and you feel like you can do absolutely anything. When I’m super inspired, I literally jump up and down, and throw my hands in the air. I just experience so much energy, it is unreal. How often do you get this feeling? For me, not very often. It took major experiences to shake me out of my autopilot life and allow me to feel inspired.

Recently, I have experienced this feeling a lot more than usual and that is because I have started doing things that scare the life out of me! I took up a role as a society executive at my university. That might not sound like a big deal to you, in fact, you might have glossed over that sentence. What you do not realize is that I have struggled majorly with social awkwardness, and so that statement deserves great applause. I’m afraid you are going to have clap for me before reading on.

You see, I decided this year that I would ignore that voice that tells me why I should not do things. I decided to be defiant. I decided my comfort zone was not working for me any more. Do you want to know what I found? Inspiration! All over the place!

If it takes major events and experiences in your life to make you feel inspired then create those experiences! Don’t wait for something tragic to happen or for a great opportunity to come to you, sign up for that role! Apply for that job! Volunteer for that position! Take that class!  Do THAT THING! That thing that scares the life out of you but you cannot stop dreaming about.

I’ll be honest with you, it is going to be hard! You will be met with so many negative thoughts in the process and pushing them aside is hard! I’ll give you a tip that has worked great for me so far, quickly trap yourself before your thoughts get too loud. So for example with my exec role, I emailed out my manifesto immediately before I could over think it. The next day, I woke up thinking “what in the world have you done?” but it was too late,  I could not back out. It works perfectly! Try it! You will have no idea what you are doing in the beginning, or in the middle… or at the end (I joke) but you know what? You will thank yourself for doing it.

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Some inspiration for you guys 🙂

Life is amazing outside your comfort zone! Once you take the first step, you’ll be awestruck by what you are actually capable of, yes, YOU!

Take good care of your beautiful self xx

You’re a bully!

You’re ugly, you’re not good enough, you’ll fail, why would anyone like you; these are only a fraction of the horrible things I have said to myself. I have suffered from a low self esteem for as long as I can remember. High school in particular was the worst time, people had no limits on just how hurtful they could be. Whoever said sticks and stones hurt more than words was probably home schooled or something, because kids can be horrible! Every mean word said to me stuck with me, on replay in my head. This just kept happening until I believed it all, until I was saying horrible things about myself before anyone else could. Honestly, the things I have said to myself, if someone else said to me, I would never want to be around them! Obviously I could not run away from myself, so I was stuck in this depressing, insanely negative environment that was my mind. Compliments became hard to listen to, let alone believe. I was drowning in self pity and self hate.

It was not until two years ago that I realized I have a problem and started healing myself. As you can imagine, 18 years of low self esteem does not just vanish over night. It has taken me ages to reach the point I am at today, where I can actually see beauty in myself, not just physical but internal as well. I thought I am fully healed and that that phase of my life is behind me but to this day, I discover new things that are broken within me, new wounds to heal.

Last week, I was talking to a friend about how I was bullied in school and she said something that really stuck with me. She said “you bully yourself”, such a simple statement, yet it felt like my whole world froze for a second. She was right! “I mean, you’re always beating yourself up about stuff, you bully yourself.” she said it again. I felt like I just got slapped in the face with realization. What I do to myself is definitely considered bullying! The worst kind of bullying, the one you cannot escape from, because it is in your own mind.

I was watching a Ted Talk that night (I am currently obsessed with them) and the speaker was talking about giving yourself credit for the things you have succeeded in. He spoke of writing a letter to yourself just to say well done for the things you actually did right! We are so caught up in the things we did wrong and we are just in this state of constantly beating ourselves up.

I went in front of the mirror and started congratulating myself for all the successes in my life. “Well done on getting distinctions both in your GCSEs and A Levels and getting into a great university”, “well done for flying across the ocean, to a whole new environment to study all on your own”, “well done for surviving through the homesickness”, “well done for being a good daughter, sister and friend”, “well done...  Tears started to fall and before I knew it, I was sobbing so much, that I could hardly speak. I realized this was the first time I was applauding myself for the good things in my life and not bringing myself down for the things I could have done better. There are so many things that I did right but I never gave myself credit for and why not? Because it is arrogant? Narcissistic? What society deems as “humble” is really a low self esteem. There is nothing arrongant about privately congratulating yourself for your hard work and sacrifices. I spend all this time hating myself when I fail, it is only fair to congratulate myself when I succeed.

That night, along with being deeply emotional, was life changing for me. I did what any victim of bullying should do, I stood up to the bully inside me. I was nice to myself for a change, and since then, I applaud myself for every step I take outside my comfort zone, for every time I try, and for every time I make it.

You are not failing in life! No matter how bleak the situation seems, look for the good. You have done so many things right my dear, please turn your attention to them! Be as kind to yourself as you are to others and more! You deserve to be treated well by yourself, so stand up to the vicious bully inside your head.

Thank you so much for reading. I know I’m horrible with this consistency thing, but I get continual support from all of you and I really appreciate that. Here’s a link to the Ted Talk for anyone interested (you need to get hooked on them!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-HYZv6HzAs

Daily Awkward People Problems

Life is a challenge for everyone, but as an awkward person, I have a whole different set of issues I face every day. Now, not every awkward person is the same so if you finish reading this and you think “I’m awkward but I have never been through any of this”…. Then know that this is the first of the awkward things I go through on a regular basis. Telling people things I think everyone experiences only to discover that it’s not normal. I’ll give you an example;  when I meet someone for the first time, they don’t necessarily strike me as drop dead gorgeous or anything but once I get to know them and we become friends, suddenly they become so beautiful. Basically the longer I know the person, the more beautiful they get. See, I thought this was normal for everybody but when I told my friends about it, they all thought I’m a total lunatic. That was not even the point of our conversation, I just mentioned it as a by the way, a we-all-go-through-that kind of thing but they had no clue what I was talking about. It was really awkward.

Another awkward thing is walking, yes you read that right, WALKING. I mean I’ve been walking for 20 years, it’s only the natural way for humans to get from one place to another. You’d think I’d have mastered how to walk by now! I don’t know what it is, when I’m in public, I just become so conscious of the way I walk. My thought process when I walk in public usually goes a little like this; Keep you’re back straight, okay not that straight, you don’t want to look like a robot. Look straight ahead, don’t look at anyone. Okay maybe that looks arrogant, make eye contact with everyone and maybe even smile. Well don’t smile like that! Oh my… too late that last person totally thought you are on crack or something. Fine no smiling, just focus on you’re legs. One leg at a time come on, right leg, left leg, right leg… Don’t fall, don’t fall! It goes on.  Deciding where to put my arms when walking is the most difficult thing! Swing your arms that’s the normal thing to do. Okay, too much swinging, maybe keep them straight. Now you look so stiff!… I usually end up carrying a bag even when I don’t need one just so I can hold the straps and not have to deal with that.

Don’t even get me started on small talk! I’m pretty sure I’ve broken some sort of record on horrible small talk. I have a script that I use on literally everyone and it usually begins with talk of the weather, yeah, it’s that bad. The crazy thing is I am the one that usually initiates the conversation but I do it in a way that the other person isn’t left with much room for responding. We then fall into the most awkward silences. It’s like I never learn my lesson. I don’t know what’s wrong with me it’s almost like I crave the awkwardness. There’s this one time I went over to a friends house for dinner and five of her friends who I had never met were there. I was trying so hard to join the small talk but it’s almost like everything I said ended the conversation. Every time I opened my mouth, people fell into an awkward silence lol. My friend noticed and she took me to her room to hang out away from the rest of the girls, true story.

All I have mentioned so far is pretty awkward but this next thing is by far the most awkward thing ever! Whether to say hello when you see someone you know. I know what you’re thinking ‘what is wrong with this girl’. The thing is, if I get along really well with someone and I like them, it’s pretty straightforward, I say hi if I see them around. What about the people you don’t really know but you know? Say you see them around at school, you’ve worked together on a class assignment or you were introduced to them briefly by a friend recently. If you see this person in a mall or something, what is the right thing to do? Honestly I really struggle with this, because I’m thinking, hey, I know this person, I should go say hi but what if they don’t recognize me or they think I’m weird or something. Also another thing, do I have say hello every single time I see them? Is that the polite thing to do or is it a bit creepy? I usually end up avoiding eye contact and maybe even walking in the opposite direction because I have no idea what to do!

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That’s all I can think of right now but feel free to add to my list if you know the struggle. If you read this far, you’re awesome. Thank you for reading! 🙂

Just as a side note I’m thinking of a unique way to end my blogs, any ideas are appreciated. 🙂

 

 

 

Being your authentic self

 

I’ll be honest with you, this post has taken me ages to write. I’ve written and erased over and over simply because of the voices in my head, “are you really going to post that?”, “what will people think?”, “will people like that?” ,the list goes on. This blog was meant to be about my thoughts, my honest thoughts, unchanged, unedited, and so it was until I realized people actually read it! When I made my first post, I remember not caring. I literally typed it out on my phone barely giving it a second thought. I just wrote exactly how I felt because I did not expect anyone to read it. Now, suddenly nothing feels good enough to post. I constantly worry about what people will think and compare my blog to other blogs.

This got me thinking, the only thing that stops us from truly being ourselves, is what other people think. We are so concerned with people’s opinions that it actually plays a role in the way we dress, the way we walk, talk and even the major decisions we make in life. I think this is ridiculous because no one actually cares about you (sorry to say). If you think about it, you think about yourself and what other people think of you a lot and that’s the case with everyone else. This means everyone is too busy thinking about themselves to have you even cross their minds. What is the point of bending over backwards to please people who probably  don’t even notice you? If people don’t notice you what is the point of wearing a mask, I mean, you might as well be yourself (hope the logic there makes sense).

We try to become exactly like that famous blogger, youtuber or artist, because we figure if it worked for them, it’ll probably work for us but that’s the problem. This person is successful because they did their own thing, they were original, they were authentic and people can sense authenticity and are drawn to it. It is so inspiring to see someone who is unapologetically themselves. The world does not need another Steve Jobs or Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey so stop trying to be the next anybody. Just be your authentic self, be the first you.

I got inspiration for this post from a Ted talk I recently watched, check it out at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ati3O3-iZls  Thanks for reading 🙂

 

 

 

That Feeling

Do you ever have those days when you just feel so inspired? Like there is this energy, just waiting to explode out of you! Days when your imagination is running free and you’re not held back by the “realities” of life (“realities” because I find that a lot of people use “being realistic” as an excuse to be negative about everything). Days when you want to do what you love, could be painting, writing, drawing, a sport, anything. Days when you feel amazing about yourself and could even hug yourself out of the sheer happiness in your heart. On such days I write or take a walk in nature. I have this obsession with trees, they just make me feel so serene. How calm they look, and knowing that they’ve been there for years and years. I don’t even have to be in a park, it could be one tree in my neighborhood or something and that is enough. There is just something special about trees (this just got weird).

Assuming you know the feeling I am talking about (this will be so awkward if no one else gets it) I have another question. When do you get that feeling or what triggers it? For me, I get it whenever I  watch animated movies or classic movies or read a really good book. If you’re judging me for watching animations at my age… I am a child inside! Seriously, I have probably watched all the animated movies out and I am proud. They’re so imaginative and creative, how can anyone outgrow that? I am convinced that no one actually outgrows cartoons and that most people watch them secretly in their rooms (you have been exposed). I especially love when there is a narration in a movie. I like to imagine I am the main character and this is the same with books, I put myself in the shoes of the protagonist and I just enter this whole new dimension. It always leaves me with that amazing feeling. About the classics, I don’t know what it is about old times, I just LOVE them. Sometimes I feel like I lived in the past or something because there is no explaining my weird attachment to basically anything from the past; antiques, time capsules, I even like museums and not because of the boring history but simply how cool all the old stuff looks (you’re probably like… was I meant to relate to this post?)

I had one of those day today and I was just wondering if you get them too? Do you get that feeling sometimes? What triggers it in you? What do you do when you feel inspired? Do you have any weird obsessions like mine with trees? I would love to hear from you all, please let me know in the comments. Thank you so much for reading ❤

 

 

My First Day of University

I remember this day like it was yesterday (seriously, I can’t believe it has been almost seven months, time flies!). I had finally settled into my flat after a very hectic week (I am an international student… I feel like that is enough of an explanation) and I could not wait to go to university the next day. Thoughts of making new friends made me forget how homesick I was. The following morning I jumped out of bed with excitement at the sound of my alarm. For some reason I felt so optimistic, I could not wipe the smile off my face.

When I got there,  the room was not yet opened but students -who I guessed were my course-mates- were milling around the hallway in front of the door in groups chatting and laughing. I desperately wanted to join in, so I did. I walked up to a group of girls who were clearly in the middle of a conversation and awkwardly stood there listening to their conversation. Now before you think I am total creep, I initially intended to introduce myself like any normal person would. In my head I had the perfect plan, I would smile and say hello, maybe throw in a few jokes and they would laugh their heads off and we would all be bffs. Things didn’t happen exactly that way. I got there and I just froze. It was so weird, I could neither speak nor walk away. I just stood, rooted to the spot, nodding and laughing nervously at everything they said. They continued their conversation, trying to ignore my presence, occasionally shooting me confused looks and exchanging glances as if to say why the hell is this girls just standing here. ‘Hi, my name is…’ I was saying it fine in my head but my voice failed me. My heart was pounding, palms sweating and tears pricked my eyes. It was such a horrible feeling. I am not sure how long I was standing there but it honestly felt like an eternity.

The lecturer finally arrived and let us in, I was so glad to get away from that group of girls (they probably thought I am an utter weirdo). I made sure to sit far away from them. I watched as people filed in and sat in groups, everyone seemed to know each other and I felt like such an outsider. So what if I completely humiliated myself I thought I bet someone great is going to sit next to me right now and they’ll… Before I could finish my thought, a group of three guys laughing sat next to me oh great. I tried my best not to listen to their conversation and have a repeat of my previous incident. The session was two hours long and I was on the verge of tears the entire time. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. You can be sure when it ended, I practically ran to my flat and cried like a baby. I already hated university, I just wanted to go back home where I had friends.

I really did not want to go back but I had another one hour session later that day. It took everything inside me to walk back out of that door. This time I walked up to a girl who was sitting on her own and to my surprise, I managed to smile and have a normal conversation. I discovered she was also an international student and we just clicked. We went to the Fresher’s fayre  together and signed up to some really cool societies. One of the societies was having a meeting on the same day so I attended it. I met so many cool people there and got all their numbers. After the meeting, we went bowling then had pizza. It was so much fun that I completely forgot what happened earlier. 🙂

Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed my story! 🙂

Discovering Me

Are you socially awkward? Shy, quiet, soft spoken? Do you hate that you constantly have to repeat yourself because your voice is so soft? Do you hate going to social gatherings? Do you get anxious when attention is turned towards you? Do you hate attention? Well apparently, me too. I didn’t know any of these things about myself until I moved out for university. You only really discover who you are when you are in the unfamiliar.

My first year of university has been filled with ups and downs, laughter, tears, tears and more tears (moving out is really tough). I have tried so many new things just to put myself out there and overcome my fears (of course, many failed, lol. But I will never give up!). This blog is going to be about my experiences as a socially awkward student. My aim is not only to reach out to people going through similar struggles but also to make you laugh with all my embarrassing moments. I find that a good way to deal with my awkwardness is to laugh at myself afterwards, honestly, some of the things I do are just ludicrous. I hope you guys enjoy the light hearted entertainment.

I am, however, very big on emotions and the mushy stuff so expect a bit of that as well. Stay tuned 🙂